I'm the youngest in the family but i'm the LEAST favourite

Wai why why
Haha I'm always get an idea to write something here when I feel down, sad and stress.

I'm feel realy bad.
I'm feel so useless
I ain't happy
Aku baru je baca satu  post IIUM ni pasal "AKU MAHU KASIH SAYANG SAMA RATA"
This isn't new.
This isn't ego.
This is just me whose the youngest but get the least ever love in my life.

I feel happy the most...when I'm living a far from my parents.
I feel so bad. Bad daugthers.
I know I ain't young.
But I was really childlike person bcus I didn't get fully loved when I was young.

Selalu dengar kan orang kata "ANAK BONGSU SELALUNYA ANAK MANJA"
Tapi aku anak bongsu yang tak dapat nak bermanja.
Beza umur aku dengan adik beradik lain jauh...tapi aku tak pernah rasa tu semua penghalang hubungan adik beradik KECUALI

KECUALI
Dengan abang yang atas aku
Aku sedar aku selalu cemburu dengan dia..
Masa kecil kiteorang selalu gaduh bila dah besar je kurang..."Aku percaya orang kata ANAK YANG PALING NAKAL ADALAH ANAK YANG PALING DI SAYANGI"

i always "HAD,HEAR,SEE AND FEEL EVERYTHING" in the moment like  I was the strangest in the family. I hate realy hate.
Hate it when people see I'm crying..I don't know why.
But maybe because wherenever I'm crying, there is no one would calm me down,would help me up, I amm struggle by myself,
I cry when I hurt, but It's more hurt when they see me cry
I don't know why I wish to die before anyone else.
Cause only when you die you will know who truly loves you
Yes it could be when you die It could be the last load to leave...

I miss the younger me which sometime happier
I am friendly suddenly turn to outcast trying not to involve with anyone
when I adjust my life trying to adapt that I am more lucky than other people
You know this is our first life first path ofcourse there is up and down before heaven.

Rasa ini takutnya melebihi segalanya...I can't control

Korang pernah tak rasa?
Even before start belajar sesuatu korang rase tak mampu nak buat...
Korang rase bende tu interesting sbb orang lain boleh buat...
So bile ko dah start belajar sikit korang dah give up keyakinan korang dah hilang
Bile ko nampak orang lain buat senang tapi bile kau sendiri buat ibarat menatang jag air yg bile2 boleh tumpah.
Bile kau dah banyak kali cuba kau masih tak boleh buat. Kau rasa diri kau tak berguna sbb orang yg kurang upaya mampu buat tp kau...kau dah paksa diri kau...tp..hmmm...kalau korang jd aku
Korang berhenti tak belajar buat bende tu??
p.s I've been struggling learning to drive. I cry so badly. Feeling hopeless.